i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
