its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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