I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
