remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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