so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
