Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
