if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
They are going to name an STD after you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
