And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
