if i can run in heels then i can drive
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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