His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
