I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
