she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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