My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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