He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
