If that was your dad, he is hot
I think I died a long time ago.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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