dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
