Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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