just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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