Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
