I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
