Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
