I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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