this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
