I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
40s are totally the cure
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
