I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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