You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
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