I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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