Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
