I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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