I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
