I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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