A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
God I need to hump something, right now.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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