I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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