Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
