When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
