this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
