my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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