Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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