The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
