Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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