she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
