I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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