He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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