Jerry, you need to find god
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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