If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
