It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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