Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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