Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
