Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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