Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
they need to just BURY HIM!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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