closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
