I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
