every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
