When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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