fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
