My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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