she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
whose ass print is on the piano?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
