Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
