chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize