So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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