i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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