I'm eating all of the evidence.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
