Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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