So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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