So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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