those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
