i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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