New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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