i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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