I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
