the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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