Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
