good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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